Hello, My Name Is The Food Lady

And I inhale paint fumes.

No, not because this is THE SCANDAL you’ve all been waiting for these past 11 years of blogging, but because I spent the day starting to finally fix up this old new house o’mine.  I’ve been here nearly three weeks, but as I work, like, 10 or more hours a day, there’s not been a lot of time to do stuff. And also, first it needed to be cleaned.  If ever I meet the old tenant of this house, I am going to offer her my condolences on being allergic to cleaning products, sponges, cloths and scrubbing implements, because there is NO other reason for a house to be this gross.  I have found dirt caked into places I did not know dirt could even find.  It’s almost remarkable.  I am the first to admit that my fastidiousness only extends to things I can see and I cannot guarantee that anything is sparkling behind furniture or appliances I can’t move easily, like my stove (actually I can guarantee that it ISN’T), but dear doG in heaven, how do you get dirt INSIDE your medicine cabinet?

We are on well water here too, and the water is hard, and very high in iron.  My landlord installed a very expensive filtration system on both houses when he bought the place, but former tenant failed to maintain her system (it’s, umm, super easy to maintain incidentally) so it no longer works.  The water smells like it tastes when you bite your lip.  It also stains everything it sits in.  The other morning I was waiting for my toast and *idly* took an SOS pad to the kitchen sink because the entire thing was stained orange.  I assumed I was fighting a losing battle but guess what – 5 minutes later I had a stainless steel coloured sink again.  The bathtub is another story – it’s coming off, slowly, but I am using SOS pads at an alarming rate (and WTF does CLR even do?  Not clean rust off your bathtub, that’s for sure!).  Seriously – had she taken 5 minutes even once a week to give it a quick pass with an SOS pad, it would not be taking me days and days to try and make the bathtub not look like someone murdered pennies in it.  Ugh.

So I woke up this morning and had a lie-in because I was feeling sorry for myself.  I knew starting a new business would be tough, but I guess I didn’t know how tough.  Once I land a client they absolutely love me and their dogs do as well, but I need more of them; I’m not making enough money to survive yet.  I work from 7AM – noonish for my other job, which I can fortunately do from home, but it doesn’t pay very well.  Then I leave around 12:30 and walk dogs, and get home around 5:30PM, if traffic and such favours me.  The nice part of not having many clients yet is that all or almost all of my dogs can come with me, so I don’t need to then exercise dogs when I get home, but the downside is that between gas and bridge tolls, I’m earning almost nothing.  I know it will come – I have a full time client, and one part time client that is going full time soon, and one sporadic part time client.  Not enough yet.  I advertise online wherever I can, and I know it will take time, but at the end of the day, it’s just not enough yet.

My landlord is great and basically will pay for anything I want to do, as long as he himself doesn’t have to do the work as he has own very large farm to run and take care of.  So that’s fine, I buy what I need and take it off the rent.  But my morning job covers my rent, car insurance and car payments and that’s it, so if I spend too much money on stuff before the end of the month, one of those car payments or whatever will bounce.  So that’s frustrating.  I also still have not gotten my security deposit back from my previous landlord, which is supposed to be my hydro payment because I have no other spare money.  I’m living on tomato soup and toast at the moment and I count every penny before I spend it.  It’s kinda of exhausting.  Nope, it’s super exhausting actually, and sometimes it’s so scary I can’t sleep at night.

So anyway, I lay in bed this morning feeling sad, and decided that laying around feeling sad wasn’t going to change anything, so I got out of bed and went for a short drive and dropped business cards off at all the local pet related businesses in the area.  And I picked up some primer and got to work in the bathroom.  Because the bathroom was green.  And I don’t mean a happy apple green, I mean an institutional green like it’s the 1940s and my house is a hospital for mental patients and the nation is at war and there’s no money for nice coloured paint for a class of society we want to pretend is invisible anyway.  It was mental hospital green and DIRTY.  And for some reason, full of nail holes and screw holes.  So I filled them all in, and primed the hell out of it.  Note: “Second coat in just 1 hour!” is LIES DAMN LIES.  It’s bed time and it’s still wet.  But now that the bathroom is white(ish) it looks about 3 times bigger than it did this morning.  It’s going to look pretty okay when it’s painted a) white and b) not with flat paint.  And I am just going to assume that all of the other rooms are going to look bigger when painted too, because most them are ALSO green of some kind, or else some really depressing bargain-bin beige, or – like the room that is going to become my photo studio – an acid trip of insane psychedelic swirls (not.even.kidding).  Oh primer, we are going to become very good friends for a long time, I think.

Whilst waiting (futilely as it turned out) for the primer to dry in the bathroom so I could apply a second coat, I decided to paint the dog room.  But first I had to prime the door, because all the doors in the place are ALSO filthy.  And the dog room walls were covered in what looks suspiciously like snot, so they needed to be cleaned.  And then I started painting with a can of orange paint that is supposed to be terracotta with a kick, but looked alarmingly like a pumpkin on ecstasy at a rave when I first slapped it on. I’m hoping it calms the fuck down when it dries!  I did two walls and then decided I was just plain old done with painting for the day, because it was almost dinner time.  And I grabbed my camera and took the dogs outside in the sun.  And this is where you come in :)

“Look Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.”

(and yes, I recycled that from my personal facebook page, so here’s my preemptive shut UP to my FB friends)

We started out playing ball in my front field, but that field is ringed with old blackberry bushes (although they are not bushy, just huge tangles of dead and thorniness) but RABBITS hang out in the thorny and RABBITS cause Spring to go berserk.  Even the thought, hint or suspicion of RABBITS cause her to go berserk.

And when Springs goes berserk, all the other bastardogs lose their collective minds and then this happens:

And when that happens, it cannot happen quietly.  It has to be accompanied by as much barking as possible, as well as the ungodly sounds of Wootie barkscreaming.  And since we live next door to, and share a fence with lots of these:

And those are guarded by a couple of – okay I don’t have a photo of them, but let’s just say REALLY BIG DOGS.  And I don’t want my new neighbours to hate me right out of the gate.  So I have to put a stop to the RABBIT insanity as soon as it starts.  So we moved to the pasture between my house and my landlord’s house to play.  Because the turkey won’t let us play in my actual yard.  Ever since we moved here, the turkey and the roosters have become crazy territorial.  They don’t f*ck with me, because I schooled them from the get go (with a shovel), but last weekend Tyrone the rooster attacked my friend Michelle!  It was a cheap ass sneak attack from behind too, the asshole.

Anyway, Terrence the turkey scares the little dogs, and also Dexter.  Because Dexter’s body is large, but his brain is little.

So we just decided to play in the field.  It has a couple of little ponds that my ducks were not using at the moment, and kindly let the dogs splash around in it.

And they raced up and down the hill, because the pasture is … well, pastoral and full of gently rolling hills and other The Sound Of Music shit.

(last weekend my landlord took me and Michelle on a tour of the rest of the 18 acres.  Dudes, there’s a LAKE at the back, like a trout lake. where my dogs can swim!  And there are cows.  And I met my baby goats.  This one many of you have seen already; I named him Harvey.  He thought my coffee cup was his milk bottle and he was REAL happy to meet me as a result.  So I named him Harvey Milk)

harvey

Anyhoo.  There was much gallumping and gleeful running around after frisbees and toys to be done, border collie style.

Look at this ole lady dog!  14.5, still tough as nails.  She comes hiking almost every day, and though she has to be lifted over logs, and  she goes up hills sideways because neither her front end nor her back end has the power to propel her up an incline, she’s determined to do it!

And still the non-border collies found tangles of thorniness to hunt RABBITS in.

They didn’t find any RABBITS though, so at least they came back when I called them.

I really have to get on the fencing and keep them from reaching that side of the field though, because it borders a path that lots of horse riders use, and as my dogs are both OBNOXIOUS and not used to horses, they tend to race over en masses and scare the bejesus out of the horses and riders both.  I really don’t want to inadvertently kill some horse rider when it gets chucked off its 1000 lb mount, so I am double fencing, so they can’t reach that fence.  Also, I want the poultry to live between those two fences, as when they are in my yard they take disgusting liberties like pooping in my porch.  And a while ago I had my kitchen door open while I was doing stuff and came into the house to get something and found like 7 chickens IN MY LIVING ROOM.  Impertinent assholes.

Anyway, that was our first real playtime on the property and I think everyone had fun, because they are all now passed out cold, about 80% of them in my office here with me now.  Piper favours the closet, while Dexter and Gemma argue over the bed under my desk (Gemma usually wins because she can’t hear or see Dexter’s ugly faces and sounds, and he’s all teeth and no trousers that one).

I think I like it here.  I think the dogs do too :)

I will like it just a teensy bit better when the wood stove finally goes in though, because when it’s cold outside, it’s COLD in here.  When the temperature drops, I can see my breath in my house.

I will also like it a little better when I can afford it.  So please, be sure to tell your friends about The Walking Dog so I can round up some more clients to walk.  We walk in some really amazing places with tons of stuff to explore, rivers to splash through, logs to leap over and stuff.  The dogs are so pooped when they get home.  It’s really awesome!  They just love it, and so do I … and I really want to keep doing it!  Even if some weirdo sent me a huge long email in response to one of CL ads that accused me and all dogwalkers of destroying wildlife habitat (I don’t EVER take dogs to areas where there is wildlife habitat risk!) and wrapped up her insane rant by suggesting I should want to kill myself for being such a horrible person.  Like, wow.  Whacko.

Also, you can really help me out by booking a photo shoot, or purchasing a print or two from me.  I have a few 18X24 prints ready to go already – if you’re interested in seeing them, contact me and I’ll send photos.  if there’s anything I’ve photographed that you’d like to have a print of, please let me know and I can make that happen too.  Soon I hope to have my photo studio IN MY HOUSE ready to roll, and can do studio sessions right here at home, which saves you the cost of me renting studio space.

Hopefully tomorrow that blasted primer will be dry enough to apply the second coat, and I can finish painting the dog room, and then get rid of the acid trip in the photo studio room.  *shudder*

Then Monday it’s back to work.  I have all three clients to walk on Monday, so TWooie gets to stay home because otherwise he beats up the 100lb Lab.  Because TWooie is small, but his ego is enormous.

Much love to you all from our slowly-being-improved stixier house in the stix (now with RABBITS)

Up Next On Snowcase

More snow!

Half a Wootie’s worth of snow, to be precise.

This ridiculous.  On Thursday I went and picked up the keys to my new place and the world looked like this:

newhouse

Now everything looks like this:

And guess what else?

WE’RE GETTING MORE SNOW!

FOR THREE MORE DAYS!!

And you can just wipe that border collie smile right off your happy face Dexter.  We are running out of essentials.  Soon you dogs will be forced to eat one another.  I recommend starting with the fat ones (I’m looking at you, TWooie!)

So. Much. Snow.  It’s really rare for us to get snow at all here – usually we get a smallish dump of an inch or three, just enough to make it look pretty and fun for the dogs, then it melts away within 48 hours or so and we’re back to the wet stuff.  But this winter has been drunk, and should go home.  We had snow on the ground for SEVEN WEEKS in December and January – it didn’t snow like A LOT a lot, but it snowed and stayed, which is rare in and of itself.  It finally melted, we all remembered what the world looked like without being frozen … my chickens thought it was spring and started laying again, I could open the windows and type without wearing gloves.  I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO MOVING INTO MY NEW HOUSE.  Then this happened.  And this was a LOT of snow, well over a foot in 24 hours.  A few more centimetres last night.  And now they are calling for more snow right through Wednesday.  I hear this morning it’s already snowing again to the East of us. *ETA – as I typed that, I glanced outside … it’s snowing again here too.  UGH!

Inexplicably, the dogs *love* the stuff.

So many happy faces!

(Fae looks freaked out, but believe me, it’s one of her happy faces)

Not sure what they’re so happy about.  The snow is deep enough, and heavy enough, that is causes the hairy dogs to turn into snow transportation delivery devices:

And you know what dogs hate?  Blow dryers.  You know what gets rid of snowball collections?  Blow dryers.

You know what I hate?  Snow shovels.  You know what I had to use for the first time in memory?  You know where this is going. I had to shovel a path to the poultry, and then paths FOR the poultry so they could walk to their feeders.  I shoveled the driveway like 4 times on Friday, gave up, and basically screamed via text message at my landlord until he took care of the driveway.  Not that it matters, seeing as how our road is not plowed and I can’t  go anywhere once I leave the driveway anyway.

MINI-ME INTERLUDE.

These photos make me laugh, because Dexter and Peetie are basically one-dog-same-dog.

Ears up, happy faces on

Ears back, crazy faces engaged.

The snow is good for photos, I’ll give it that.  It turns out that winter makes Winter look nice even!

When I mentioned earlier that my landlord “took care of the driveway” what I should have said was “#childlabourforthewin.”  He put his teenager, his brother’s teenager and some other random teenager to work with snow shovels and the poor buggers are the ones that cleared the driveway.  Which might explain the half-assed job of it, but hey, at least its not under a foot of snow anymore.  Rumour has it he paid them in Doritos.  The dogs heard this rumour as well.

Often I hear from people “I don’t know how you handle so many dogs!”  Well, it’s easy!

First of all, don’t bother training them, let them be shamelessly ill mannered and jump all over people and try and steal their food.

It’s especially effective if you let them mob people en mass.  Much less work than instilling manners.

Pay children Doritos to make them play with your dogs, so you don’t have to.

And then let them free-feed on the blood of those children.

Pre-order my book, “Owning Ten Really Bad Dogs And How To Live With Them Without Guilt” coming soon!

Just kidding.  BUT – as those of you who follow us on Facebook already know, I did in fact publish a new book!

book

I did it a little differently this time; I made it an EBook, so you can read it on your tablet, like an iPad or Kindle, or even on your desk top.  I did it this way because the traditional coffee-table style book is SO EXPENSIVE to produce, especially as my books are so photo-heavy, that it’s cost prohibitive to publish.  Like this one would have been around $70.00.  Ridiculous.  So as much as I love the coffee-table style photo book, I figured – y’all already look at my photos on some kind of digital device, why not make the book in the same format?  That way it’s affordable and convenient and full of instant gratification (order, download, enjoy!)

My personal goal is to sell 100 copies of the Ebook, and I am nowhere near that goal.  So please help me accomplish something this year, and boost my kicked-in-the-arse self esteem, and buy my book!  It’s only $10 CAD, so practically free for you Americans, and it’s pretty funny if I do say so myself :)

Mr. Woo will judge you if you don’t buy a copy.  Don’t nobody need that kind of grief in their lives.

And now I am off to make the long long trek on foot to the store to buy milk,  because without milk there is no coffee, and without coffee, there is no life.

And *Poof* – Like Magic, It Was Gone

The snow that is.  It got warm, started raining and overnight, inches and inches of snow has vanished, like it was never here.

(This post would be more effective if I had photos taken after the snow melted, but it’s raining and I don’t wanna take my camera out there)

It’s hard to imagine that just a few days ago it still looked like this!

The only thing that has still not melted is my driveway, which remains not only an ice rink, but a wet EXTRA slippery ice rink.  Apparently the expression “it gets worse before it gets better” was invented specifically to describe trying to drive out of said extra slippery ice driveway, which was the silly thing I attempted yesterday before giving up, sliding backward into my spot and deciding I didn’t *really* need to go out after all.  I’m hopeful that another day of rain will make it navigable.

Addy is completely skeptical of the sudden change in weather.  She starts shivering before we go outside in anticipation of this:

And then is pleasantly surprised when there is no snow to be found and it’s a balmy 11 degrees.  But then is pissed off that everywhere in the grass that is springing back to life after being smooshed down for a month and a half, is a puddle lurking right at Addy-belly height.  It’s hard to be a tiny dog sometimes.

The other dogs don’t seem to care either way.  As long as they have a ball, the collies don’t care if it’s a monsoon, typhoon, hurricane or sandstorm.

It’s mine, you can’t have it.

These two just want cookies.

I would also like cookies pleaz kthnx.

… and nobody knows what this dog wants.

And this dog just wants to cosplay Snoopy.

(These two just kill me, the are SO FREAKIN’ ADORABLE!)

I actually miss the snow.  Despite complaining about it for like 6 weeks, I guess I had forgotten how much I hate mud.  I was spoiled by not having to wipe paws and bellies every time the dogs come in from outside for so long!

Stop wiping my feet, or I’ll kill you.

 If only the snow wasn’t so cold … and if my landlord would have sanded or plowed the driveway, the snow coulda just hung around until it was 25 degrees outside.

Also, I will miss taking photos like this:

I’m sorry I said that thing about my feet and murder.  Please love me.

(I taught Winter to stand up on his hind legs and turn his back to me rather than putting his paws on me when he wants cookies or pets, that way he doesn’t get reboundy terrier mud feet prints all over my clothes.  This is my view of that trick.)

Winter’s creepy!

You’re all creepy.

(says the turkey with a tiny penis on its forehead)

So Wootubers … I am looking to partner with other creative types to create some sellable items that combine my artistry and yours.  I partnered a few years ago with Claudine of Laughing Dingo Studios for a limited edition Woo print if you recall, and it was quite a hit and very successful.  I would like to do this again, or something similar, or work with an artist wherein we could combine our services for a fee – ie, I take the photos, client chooses a photo(s) to be turned into a painting, sculpture or similar, at a discounted rate for the client for combining the services.  It will build up both our portfolios while earning us both some dineros and also offer people a unique blend of services!  Are any of my Wootube friends interested in partnering for something like this?  Any Wootubers interested in purchasing such a service?  Food Lady needs to make some dog food money while building up her business (and thank you all for the many many shares, please feel free to keep sharing and recommending my business!).  I have a couple of interviews coming up for part time jobs to keep us all in kibble and potato chips in the meantime, but I have this funny catch-22 where if I am employed full time I can’t walk my clients’ dogs, but if I don’t walk dogs full time I can’t … you know, afford to live.  Got any other brilliant ideas for me?

Judgey Spring will judge you if you don’t!