What a wonderful world…


I’m going to change my name from “The Food Lady” to “Dogs Make Me Grouchy And Are Bad For My Bank Account So I’m Getting Goldfish Instead.”  Yes, it’s rather a mouthful, but it more accurately reflects today’s current trends.

Hot on the heels of Piper trying to commit suicide and then swallowing the evidence, Tweed limps onto the stage and steals the show for a while.  But when you have a houseful of ornery dogs, nobody gets to be the star for very long.  Someone always comes along and thieves their thunder.  This week’s contender is the $250.00, three layer stitch job that Diva Dexter demanded this week.

How do you suppose this massive flap of skin removed itself from Dexter’s person?

Why the eff are you glaring at me?  You want some too, b*tch?

Now to be fair, I didn’t see it happen.  I didn’t see anything.  I wouldn’t even have seen the GIANT GAPING WOUND had I not given Dexter our ritualistic full body hug before bed on Wednesday night, which made him yelp and wince.  I poked and prodded the poor guy all over until my hand came up bloody and I found myself staring at his ribs without the customary pesty hair and skin impeding my vision.

Poor Dexter :(

The ONLY reason I have not throttled TWooie with my bare hands is that I didn’t catch him in the act.  I can’t prove he did it, and to be fair it could have been an accidental grab by The Sproinging Terrier, or even Piper exacting retribution on Dex for pouncing on her while she was spinning for her ball, but since TWooie likes to snap at Dexter’s ribs and butt while Dex is whirling away from his teeth, I have to assume it was the fat bastard who did this.  And I’m ANGRY.

Yeah yeah yeah.  Whatevah.

Now I’m down not one, but TWO agility dogs.  Tweed’s week of crate rest is up today, but he’s still regulated to on-leash walks only for another week.  Now Dexter is in the same boat, as running could cause fluid to build up in the wound, so I’ve got two jacked up border collies who can’t have the amount of exercise they are used to, and the tension in this place  is building like you wouldn’t believe.  Tweed is very, very grouchy.

Screw you AND the horse you rode in on.

Last night, for no discernible reason whatsoever, Tweed picked Dexter up by the face and hurled him to the floor and tried to lay a beating on him of epic proportions.  Dexter squealed like a stuck pig, and fortunately for everyone I was right there and removed Tweed from Dexter’s face with the force of a woman WHO IS STILL VERY ANGRY ABOUT WHAT TWOOIE DID TO DEXTER.

I swear, I just want to close my eyes and vanish into a world where no vet wants anything from my wallet ever again.

I like to vanish into a world where you never say “Wootie drop it!  Wootie leave it!  Wootie come here RIGHT NOW!”

Piper’s diggin’ living in the land of the walking wounded, because it means she always gets the frisbee, since her contender-brother are leashed to me.

Except when her little sister decides she wants to play.

Pretty much only two things have made me happy this week.

This photo:

And these:

These are in my dining room under a heat lamp, hopefully growing into full sized, egg laying hens.  There are 3 Black Copper Marans (with feathered legs!), 3 Light Sussex and 4 Welsummers.  Their peeping is surprisingly cheerful and relaxing.

But otherwise, I feel pretty much like this right now:

Are you sure I can’t make you laugh?

Bad luck comes in threes, right?  It’s all over now, RIGHT?!?!


  1. doG, I hope the bad luck is gone for you!!! It must be something about Spring because I had a dog chomp another dog too.


  2. I think you should have the talented and lovely Joe install a surveillance camera in casa de foodlady so you can know for sure what happens when you’re not looking.

  3. Aw, crummy. Things have GOT to go up from here!

  4. i’m surprised how little you’ve had to spend considering you have about 80 dogs. i just spent over $350 diagnosing a single dog’s UTI. and that was with a 15% discount for having adopted her from the shelter. and why, after 4 years has this been the first time my vet’s office applied this discount for her?? is it because they recommended an x-ray to check for stones? which might only really be detected by an ultrasound?? ARGH. and now i just ate an entire bag of pretzel sticks.

    ANYWAY, my deepest sympathies, and here’s hoping this is the last of the string of money-sucking medical problems for you!!

  5. This is a story about why you should hug your dogs every night before going to bed, right?

    It is a good thing that good things also come in threes. Fortunately, you now have a third agility dog. Good planning.

    Get well soon, boys.

    Also, them are some mighty cute chickies.

    Maybe this will cheer you up: http:/leasthelpful.com

  6. Awww, man. :( I hope things get better fast.

  7. Time to focus on Spring’s agility training? I’m sorry about your medical bills. Dante just had a very scary outbreak of Lyme that involved running additional tests to find out If there was anything else wrong because he had some abnormal symptoms. Ollie followed that up with a gastrointestinal infection that resulted in me finding what looked like a murder our kitchen floor in the morning, aka explosive bloody poo. 900 dollars later I mostly am praying Ella stays healthy. Your bad things come in threes story terrifies me.

  8. I’ve seen worse than that from simple collisions where one dog had their mouth open. At one point (many years ago now), two of our Rotties were chasing a school bus along a fence line, barking like crazy. Both worked up, they thump each other at some point, Natasha goes to snap a warning at Morgan, they collide in the process, and the next thing you know we’re at the vet sewing up a rather long tear on Morgan’s flank from Natasha’s canine. Considerably longer than Dexters, if I recall. Just saying it really could have been an accident.

    But on the bright side, Tweed’s sex drive seems to be up… :-)

    Looks like whoever did the suturing did good work. Hope Dex heals up quickly.

  9. Janice in GA says:

    Aw man, major sympathies to you. Years ago, my old Cammie dog once ended up with a big flap of dangling skin just after all the dogs ran out of the door together. Not as bad as Dexter’s, because we couldn’t see ribs, but bad enough to scare me sh*tless and to have to run her to the e-vet. :( I didn’t see it happen either, but I’m sure it was my Sasha, who always snarked at Cammie.

    Good mojo for good things to start happening instead of crappy painful things!

    And cute chickens!!

  10. Arg! I’m sorry, I read and laughed at the photo captions with the laughing that is close to beating your head against the wall and crying. One of my dogs has been a little beast recently too. I too am tempted by the thought of goldfish this week.

    They’re probably not very good at Frisbee though.

  11. cinnamondog says:

    Poor Dex! Poor you!

    I had goldfish, and they all committed suicide because I didn’t clean the pond enough and people kept tossing more fish into it. One day I went out there and they were all floating. It was kinda gross. You don’t want goldfish. :)

    Four of my six dogs have had their annual exams, heartworm/tick tests, and bloodwork, and I’m out about $1200 so far. At this rate my entire year-end bonus will go to my vet, and if he has any student loans left after I’m through, it won’t be my fault!

    Also have a dog going through a flare to chronic ehrlichia, which is expensive and scary, not necessarily in that order.

    Here’s to ‘no more vet bills for the rest of 2012.’ I’ll drink to it!

  12. Schnitzie/Andrea says:

    Why is everyone beating up on sweet Dex? Poor baybeeeeee!!!

    I feel your veterinary fee pain. I am STILL treating ringworm in all three of my kitties (all seniors), and my heart cat Sweet Pea’s hind legs and hips are getting weak and hinky on her…my poor tiny baby girl is becoming an old lady!

    So in addition to her regular Senior Exam and bloodwork yesterday, she had an orthopedic exam on her lower legs and a belly shave and sulfer dip for ringworm. Cha-ching! Cha-ching! Cha-chingggggg!!!

    But the icing on the cake? She needed her ANAL glands expressed …. HOORAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!

  13. Laura in California says:

    Seems like you’ve made your 2012 contribution to the bad luck bucket and now you are done! Hope that Dexter heals up quickly and that your adorable chickies thrive.

  14. poor guy :( really hope that heals quickly and no further trips to the vet for anyone are needed

    I am always saying, I think I should have went to school to be a vet. 2 x-rays and $200+ later, told nothing wrong, maybe a small sprain, just leash walks and a laugh from the vet when they said the knew how hard that would be with a border collie :p But good to know nothing was broken, she just limps :/

  15. LOL! That last shot is just perfect!

    I feel your pain. I once had a $1200. Christmas party at the 24hr emergency vet. Eight sutures in the left ear, including general anesthesia. The living room looked like a scene out of CSI. My stoic corgi made not one peep. But she did have a naked ear with a stripe up the middle for quite a while.

  16. Patty in NM says:

    Sounds like my house. I can go for months with no visits to the vet and then BOOM! I’m there every time I turn around. I tell’em that the only reason I work is to be able to pay the vet bills!!

  17. Yes I agree with the comment about poor Dexter being beaten and bitten by everyone. He might be a bit too “Go, Go, Go” but he’s still a puppy. He’s lovely and very caring by what I read. Poor thing, I hope he gets well soon. Lots of hugs for him.

    Take care of yourself and best wishes. :o)

  18. So. Pippin is apparently reading the blog. And Dex must be his hero ince he went out and got himself a three inch gah in his armpit whilst running in the woods a couple days ago.

    I’m hiding all further injury posts from him…

  19. Good doG! Worst luck, eh? I’m pullin’ for you, FL–you’ve had your share, and now the luck will change. Best wishes for the speedy recovery of your giraffe-limbed fellow.

  20. Poor Dexter :( I give you many props food lady, I couldn’t handle it if my dogs were nasty to each other. Hope Dexter heals up fast.

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