I apologize

in advance for this.  I couldn’t help myself.

*********************************************

Twas the week before Christmas

and all across the farm

the WooTWoo were bringing the

little critters harm


The moles, they were snuggled

safe in earth beds.

But no mole is safe

from the TWoo’s hungry head!


With his scary blue orb

like a marquee in the air

shining “Death To Moles …

“Death to moles EVERYWHERE”


He was frantically digging

to unearth tasty beasts

who were digging even faster

to avoid those big teeth!


TWoo raised his head and yelled

Hey Tricky, Hey bro!

“Get yer ass over here

and help me out, yo!


But Tricky was busy

decapitating bunnies.

The Food Lady laughed and laughed and laughed

but said “Hey, that’s not funny!


“Some of the blog readers

Get into a fury

When you eat all these animals

And I photograph the story!


But Tricky ignored her;

He’d found something devine

Something more delicious, more scrumptious

than regular Lapin


Tricky was ecstatic!

He was up to his ears

in the gooey remains

of Santa’s reindeer!


Flying beast from the North

The tastiest of treats!

mused Tricky, as he rolled and he nibbled

And licked guts from his feet


TWoo, you gotta try this!

It’s out of this world!

If only I too could fly,

I’d have caught the whole herd!


With his belly a-jiggle

and his little legs a-pumpin’

TWooie dashed to the table

His heart was a-thumpin’


This was better than the chickens

Tastier than rats.

Way more delicious than fish heads.

It was worth getting fat!


And worth the wrath

Of Jolly Saint Nick?

Who wouldn’t be so jolly

When he discovered the quick


dispatch of his favourite reindeer!

The WooTwoo didn’t care

And they gorged on the bones

for as long as they dared


When there arose from the barn roof

such an enormous clatter

Seems Santa had returned

to see what was the matter


with his star player Dasher

who was splayed on the ground

with just one hoof, an antler

and his tail, scattered ‘round


The rest of the reindeer

was in WooTWoo’s belly

They were stuffed from the last helping

of reindeer foot jelly


Santa was furious!

The collies all fled

But The WooTWoo just watched

as Santa turned red


And then redder and redder

’til he nearly died

He didn’t – and  TWoo was sad

because he’d never tried


eating a fat man

from the North Pole

Though he wondered – would it even

taste as good as a mole?


Santa stood glowering

on the Food Lady’s farm

He said “You’re very bad dogs!

“Do you realize the harm


“that you’ve done to my team

“of special reindeer?

The WooTWoo just shrugged

Tricky ate the last ear


Santa picked up the WooTWoo

one under each arm

and said “that’s it, you’re in trouble

“you’re leaving this farm


“I’m taking you somewhere,

where there’s nothing to eat.

And you can think about whether

it was worth it, this treat.


The WooTWoo gazed at Santa

With curious eyes

Woo said “Hey Santa

“Have you even tried


“eating reindeer?

TWoo said “Yeah, it’s real good

In unison they said

To us, everything is food.


We can’t help the way doG made us

“We’re not sorry for what we’ve done.

Santa released each fat furry dog

one by one


In the spirit of Christmas

He seriously said

I forgive both of you,

Even though Dasher is dead.


“You can’t help it, you’re crazy.

You’re a couple of gits.

From his big sack of presents

He pulled out a gift


Of two rare birds

And a long extinct cat

Will you leave my reindeer alone?

If I give you that?


Asked Santa, as he placed

This gift on the scene.

The WooTwoo, they nodded

Their guts-covered beans.


Santa, he smiled

And hopped into his sleigh

Good Bye, silly WooTWoo,

It’s been a rough day!


But I forgive you for eating

one of my friends

And he flew away

Counting reindeer heads


And there were just 6 at his sleigh

for while he was climbing back on it

The WooTWoo had eaten

Both Vixen and Comet.


And Santa exclaimed

As he drove out of the dell

Damn you, WooTWoo

Damn you TO HELL!!
wootwoo

Comments

  1. Naughty, naughty WooTwoo! Hee hee hee! Groan!

  2. lol!! thats great :D

  3. ZOMG, you’re effing hilarious!! :))

  4. Well that was just hilarious! I had been thinking of writing my own version of that, but you’ve set the bar pretty high:)
    Merry Christmas to you Food Lady and all your four footed gang!

  5. I like how Wootie is getting a wet willy from the elf in the photo. ;-)

  6. OMG way to funny. I laughed inappropriately loud.

  7. Bwahaha-aha…haa haa haa

    Merry Christmas Food Lady. Thanks for the fun.

  8. Professor just came over to find out what I was laughing at. Amelia the huntress wants to come and live at your house. She’d like a little chicken on the hoof. And a mole. and a reindeer. and she could take the WooTwoo with one paw tied behind her back. and a mouthful of roadkill. Amelia does not share.

  9. Andrea/Schnitzie says:

    HO HO HOLY CRAP!

    You are sooooo going to Heyell for that one. HILARIOUS!!!!

    Hahahahahahahahhohohohohohohohohoho!

  10. dying, now.

  11. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

    Food chain and all that…

  12. Methinks Santa is channeling a certain Food Lady there….

  13. the happy haiku says:

    That is FANTASTIC!

  14. I think that was suppose to be elfing hilarious!

    Very entertaining, and I am staying far, far away from those two carnivores!

  15. Woderful poem! Ha ha ha!

  16. wonderful!

  17. BwahHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  18. GREAT story Food Lady!
    The WooTwoo look absolutely adorable in that photo.
    Merry Christmas to you and your fury friends!

  19. OMFG that is too funny for words!!!!! LOVE the poem. LOVE IT!!!!

  20. Laura in California says:

    Holy crap! Made me laugh waay too loudly at work.
    Thank you FL!

  21. Well done! Thanks for the laugh – and for not having accompanying photos. The mental pictures were bad enough. Merry Christmas, Food Lady! You have a lot of talent.

  22. Connie Brannen says:

    Criminy, all the wailing and breastbeating for a little disgusting underwear munch on Dexter’s part. And now these horrible Woo’s are eating historically important reindeer and Food Lady waxes poetic. Dexter, I’ll send you my address if you decide to run away from home.

  23. How in the world do you come up with stuff like that??!?!?!?! Great laugh…

    Petra Christensen
    Parelli 2Star Junior Instructor
    Parelli Central

  24. Merry Christmas to the FL and critters!

  25. Oh my! Does this count as one of those heroic epics? You know, like Beowulf!

  26. clairesmum says:

    Merry Christmas to the Food Lady, and all of her four footed buddies! Hoping the New Year brings health and happiness to all of you.

  27. Merry Christmas to the Food Lady, and all of her four footed buddies! Hoping the New Year brings health and happiness to all of you.

  28. “They were stuffed from the last helping
    of reindeer foot jelly”

    LMFAO!!!! That was great!!

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