If My Dogs Were People …

The other morning I was walking along with my dogs when Dexter came over for a friendly lean against my leg and a pat on the noggin.  Then he spied Piper going by with a frisbee in her teeth and he got all intense and stare-y and I heard myself say “Day-um, you’re a good lookin’ dog, yessir,” in much the same way I might say “Day-um, Alcide looks good with his shirt off, mmmhmmm,” while watching True Blood or similar.  Then I thought “Man, if you were a dude, you’d be like the hottest dude of them all.”

And he would, you know.  Dexter would be named, like, Chad or something.  He’d be the guy that *all* the girls, hands down, would have a crush on.  He’d probably play a sport or something, like on an ice hockey team of other cool guys, mostly made up of local semi-famous musicians and radio celebrities, or rock climbing.  He’d have a good job that paid pretty well, and he would have really modern furniture and know all the cool bands, but he totally wouldn’t be a hipster.  He’d be super normal, and could cook decently too.

He’d be really personable and nice to everyone, cool or not.  Even to the nerdy dork that nobody likes.

Mr. Woo, on the other hand, would be that guy that everyone likes and NOBODY has a crush on.  He’d so be that guy that all the gals think is “just so awesome” but not in a hot-guy kinda way (probably because he’s short).  In fact, pretty much everyone would like him, but nobody would really know anything about him.  He’d be super intellectual but not nerdy, and could drop these esoteric facts about stuff nobody else know, and all his friends would love it, cuz he’d be just so quirky.

He’d make everyone laugh, and you’d see him out all the time at all the right /cool places, but nobody would ever have been to his house.

And that’s probably because he lives with his brother, who is like a socially autistic version of him.  A little guy who’s not quite as smart as Woo is, and has a bit of a chip on his shoulder.  People would be polite to him because he’s Woo’s brother, but behind his back they’d be all “that guy is so weird, man.”  He’d some weird hobbies, like archery, and if you pissed him off, he’d be super Rage Guy, getting really mad really fast.  And then he’d go off in a huff.

Piper’d be that girl that all the guys kinda like, but aren’t really sure why, because she’s hot, but totally intimidates them, and all the other girls are like “she is such a bitch” behind her back.  But they’d all try really hard to be her friend, because they’d be intimidated by her too.  She wouldn’t be that smart, but she’d really manipulative, and she would have this social circle of people she bossed around all the time.

Her best friend would be Tweed, and he’d be gay.

I’m not the only person who does this kind of thing, am I??  Hello??  Friends and fans?  Anyone?

In all seriousness though, I am sometimes taken aback by how *handsome* Dexter has become.  It’s hard to believe the funny little floppy puppy with the mismatched ears

has become this strapping, confident, masculine dog with such striking features.

And it’s not just me.  People I meet up with who haven’t seen him in a while say things like “Holy cow, did he ever turn out nice!!” and “Wow, he is so handsome!”  Because he is!  And he is a NICE dog too, now that he’s gotten over his underpants fetish, and attitude with other puppies/dogs.  He loves absolutely all people he meets, and he is always checking in with me for a smile or, if he is feeling particularly affectionate, a hug.

This is sometimes inconvenient.

But it’s also 100 kinds of awesome.  He’s the only one of my dogs who makes me feel like when he comes for some affection, he’s doing it because he wants to share some love, not because he just wants his butt scratched (Tweed) or to get my attention so I will throw something (Piper) or because he believes I owe it to him (The WooTWoo).  He just seems to like hanging out with me.

This more than makes up for the few months back there were I think I may have actually hated him for a while.

And because I haven’t posted a TWoo update recently,I would just like to say that I still love the little bugger, even if he is BAD, VERY BAD!  As his confidence continues to rise on the scale of Normal Dogdom, he has taken to bossing me around some.  It must be the Aussie influence; when TWoo wants something from me these days, he BARKSBARKSBARKS at me.  If he thinks he needs another walk, he paws at me and if I ignore him, he BARKS.  If I am practicing self control exercises at the door where everyone must sit stay until I say their name and let them out the door, he BARKS.  When I tell him to shut up, he BARKS back at me.  TWooie says he has almost 5 years of silent cowering to make up for, and he says that LOUDLY by BARKING at me.  When he’s not totally ignoring me.

He’s still a buttface with other dogs too.  Today he decided to beat up Lola.  Lola is this little teeny border collie / cattle dog mix that is up for adoption through TDBCR.

Her foster mum brought her over today so we could get some photos for the website.  She’s really cute!  Totally full of energy too, someone is going to really get a fantastic dog in this one.

I offered to trade foster dogs with Lola’s foster mum, but she said no.  I can’t imagine why, unless it has something to do with the fact that West bit her :(

I’m sorry.

He is so afraid, it makes me feel very badly for him.  Foster home was kneeling down petting Wootie, with her back to West, and paying no attention to him at all.  He had just successfully sniffed her and went in for what I thought was another sniff and bit her in the arm – he only got her shirt, but it was no accident.  He then peed himself right then and there, because the whole thing freaked him out so badly.  Freaked me out too.  Because no matter how badly I feel for him, he can’t do this – biting people is bad news, mostly for him.

The only thing I can think to try for him is to put him on an anti-anxiety / anti-depressant and see if I can’t bring his anxiety down a few notches, enough to start reintroducing him to the world without being so petrified of everything.  But I can’t tell you how much I wish we could try this experiment in someone else’s home.  I know that my house is too chaotic for him – although he sucks up to me something fierce, and no longer falls asleep standing up because he’s too afraid to lie down, he still bolts from the room when I stand up and if his crate door isn’t open he panics and sometimes pees himself.

Whoever ruined this adorable little dog should really be ashamed of themselves.

It makes me mad.

It makes Donut mad too.


  1. I’m so sorry about Mr West, as others have said it is a neccessary decision but no easier for that. I think everybody reading knows that you will do your best for him whatever that may be. The person we will all blame is the unknown who took a lovely dog and made him this way :-(.

    I loved your description of what type of people yor dogs would be! However having applied it to my dogs i’m a little worried that i’m living with the ‘popular’ kids!!!!

  2. Corey, that story about Skitter is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.

  3. Have you tried a DAP collar on him? It would take time to work (think like a couple of months) but the pheromones might really help calm him without drugging him. I used the plug in version on a boxer we fostered with success. The collar would just be portable, always with him and might help with other things like car rides too.

  4. clairesmum says:

    Food Lady, you know yourself and your dogs better than any of your readers. You certainly know more about rescuing and rehoming dogs than I do (and probably more than most of your readers, too!) If you, in your experience, believe that West’s fear of the world cannot be calmed sufficiently to help him live in the world, none of us can second guess you. (All of us who say “I’d help but I can’t because…… are actually showing you how hard it will be to find a forever home for West….). I don’t envy you this decision – doing rescue means taking on responsibilities for wounded dogs and not all who are wounded can be healed sufficiently to find value in daily life. And like a person who has been wounded by the intentional cruelty of other humans, these wounds are seemingly invisible yet remain chronic. Release from this painful place may be the best hope for West’s spirit to find peace – which is so much more than a temporary sense of safety that is regularly shattered by daily living.
    Now, as for the karma due to the ones who hurt him, and the ones who bred him and released him into the care of the ones who hurt him……well…they will reap what they have sown. Thinking of you, and all of the dogs at Casa da food lady.

  5. Dexter would be hottest dude…………….. but he’d also be a eunuch! (Sorry for highlighting this).

    Woo and Twooie are the boys, who would always have to stop at the fish and chip shop, on their way home from the pub.

    Especially love your B & W photographs. Dexter is very photogenic.

  6. Your post was exceptional and hilarious. I read you all the time but I feel compelled to share that I too have thought a lot about who my dogs would be if they were people.

    Nola (my catahoula) would be the tough chick who hangs out with the smokers, the goths or the emo kids, but doesn’t smoke because she’s a closet athlete. Her parents would tell her that she could be a model because she’s got that ugly/pretty thing going and is very striking and beautiful, but she would never want to draw that kind of attention to herself. She’s a loner, and has only a handful of close friends, but would be a bit like the Clifford character from that old movie “my bodyguard” and protect anyone who was in her club. Kili (the papillon) is the cute little catholic schoolgirl (although sometimes she’s the perfect jewish american princess too). Everyone thinks that she is all prim and proper, but really loves to get dirty, roll in things, never wears deodorant and wouldn’t shower unless she was forced to. She’s all flirty and a total tease, but once you try to get too close, she will turn on you and slap you for being rude and act indignant. She is in total awe of her big sister Nola and hangs on her every word. Because of this, she thinks she’s all tough and can keep up with the big kids, and will jump right in if Nola is there to back her up. Pip (formerly Sprite) is the classic happy third child. She’s the smartest of the bunch, and knows it, but is also the total follower. She wants to be like her older sisters, so she parrots what they do — and will often then try it out on her own to see if her sisters approve. Like many kids from large families, she’s the loudest because she thinks this is the best way to get the most attention. She’s athletic, but often mistakes enthusiasm for finesse and will run into things and into her sisters. Being the youngest, she gets away with a lot as her sisters find her an amusing play thing and will set her up to get in trouble.

    Sorry about Mr West. If you go the drug route (which I’ve done with some of my fosters), it can take 6 weeks to kick in. And like you’ve said, it only works with a Beh. Mod. plan. And sometimes you just have to make the hard decisions. I hate to do it, but sometimes it’s a numbers game — I’ve used the “1 out of X many homes can I safely adopt this dog into”. When it’s 1 out of 10, it’s tough, when it’s 1 out of 100, it’s almost impossible. And then you have to think about how many dogs you aren’t able to help because of the situation — sure it’s a crass ‘opportunity cost’ perspective, but it’s also real.

  7. This is my favourite TWAAW post yet! hahahhahahahahahahahaha
    I like that Tweed is the gay best friend to Piper. hahhahhahhahhahaha!

Speak Your Mind