Give me your underpants!

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Stupid Dexter.  Lately, he has been shamelessly eating my pre-worn underwear and it’s really starting to cheeze me off!

Yeah yeah, I know, it’s gross and a forbidden topic.  But it’s also very frustrating and I am not afraid to complain about it out loud!  I am a pretty tidy person, though I have been known to sometimes leave my dirty clothes in the laundry basket at the foot of the bed.  So when Dexter stole my underwear from the basket I was like “oh, my bad” and made a point of putting my worn clothes in the hamper.

And then when he started taking them out of the hamper I was like “Alrighty then,” and went and got myself a hamper with a lid.

Now he OPENS the lid, goes into the hamper, carefully removes ONLY my underpants, and eats them.  Now I’m like, mad.  To add insult to injury, he likes to eat them ON MY BED where he knows he’s not supposed to even be.

Short of getting a wall safe for my lingerie, I’m thinking the only other reasonable option I have is to beat him to death with the laundry hamper.

Don’t beat me to death!  But … I will eat your underwear again.
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And while we are on the topic of nether regions, if you will, Tweed has asked me to tell you that an on leash walk is the cocktease of exercise.

He’s feeling LOADS better, but somehow in the intervening weeks he lost certain faculties, such as the following commands:  Heel; Side; With Me; and NO PULL YOU ASSHOLE I SAID NO PULL STOP PULLING STOP IT STOP IT!!  Perhaps he left them in the crate – I’ll have to check.  Meanwhile, my shoulder is killing me and I have rope burns on my hands.

Let me off the LEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSHHHHHH!
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And The Sadist called him FAT.  Yeahwell, he hasn’t run in like 5 weeks now, and like a Jewish mother, I fed my guilt by feeding him food – stuffed Kongs, beef bones.  You name it, he got it while he was in prison.  He’s definitely gotten a titch portly.  And he wants to run it off in the worst way.  He has tried wiggling out of the leash, brute force, and at one point, threw himself on a passing Piper and tried to make a speedy getaway atop her back.

I may beat him to death with the laundry hamper also.

You can try.  But then you’ll only have Piper to run at Regionals.  Tee Hee. *blink*
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Yeah, well, you know what Tweed?  That may not be half bad.  We have been doing a lot of gamble work in class lately as part of our Regionals Prep, and by golly, Piper is starting to get it.  She’s executing some very difficult gambles quite easily, which is mind blowing.  And weaving like a hot damn, even at a distance.  All our hard work is paying off in a big way.  This time last year, if I had said I was putting Piper in Regionals, my friends would have started whistling and looking at the sky to avoid falling over laughing.  Now they’re talking about how well they think she’ll place.  It’s kinda of twilight zone-y.

The only problem is, I had to abandon her in the back 40 this morning.  Because there is no way in hell she was coming in my house looking like this:
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Blech.

Come on baby, take off those panties!
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*shakes fist at Dexter*

And since no blog post is really complete without an update on the TWoo, I’d love to give you one … if only I could find him.
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One of Wootie’s favourite places to run around hunting in is the big football field sized basin with the really tall grass.  He knows I don’t really like trying to get down the steep hill to chase him, and I think he gets a perverse amusement seeing me holler from the dykes at him with no way to follow through on my colourful threats.

Intriguing.
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He’s in there, really.
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Whee!  I look like I’m coming when called, but really I’m going to sproing enthusiastically over in your direction just long enough to give you hope, then I’m going to disappear in the grass and reappear 250 feet further away.  Thanks for moving us to the sticks, Food Lady!
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Until now, TWooie has been too nervous to go down there.  Today, he overcame his fear.  Now I have TWO dogs who run around disappearing and reappearing in the basin and ignoring my recall (which, btw, is WOOTWOO! since they are one-dog-same-dog and there is no point in calling them separately).

“Wanna f*ck with the Food Lady, bro?” “You know it, bro.”"Awesome.  Let’s do that thing”
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See?  See what I have to put up with?
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I’m just going to hide here and watch her get undressed…
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Comments

  1. Hahaha. Oh Dexter, you really are determined to make The Food Lady get rid of you, aren’t you?!

    Hang in there Food Lady, he’ll discover his brains soon enough.

  2. Someone just turned me on to you and I’ll have to thank her. This was so f’ing hilarious. I’m supposed to be working right now (shhhhh). We just adopted an aussie so I’m looking forward to learning what we’re in for from your posts.

    Underwear is in hamper with cover with large rock on top.

  3. I was reading along, enjoying your post, relating (having had an underwear-eating dog in the past and a sister-in-law whose dog liked to bring her snacks out ONLY WHEN COMPANY CAME), and then you wrote “Come on baby, take off those panties!” Snort! Good thing there were no liquids at the computer!

  4. Oh sweet lord. I just about fell off the chair laughing. I just came in from dealing with the “black hearted evil little bastards” AKA Smooch, Skeet and Bam. Three 8 mo. borders. Some days I would hand them off to the first person that showed an interest ( good home or not), other days I want to hang myself then there are those days that everyone seems to be getting “it” and all is well. The all is well days are not to often… yet. you blog manages to keep me sane. In other words ” Hey I’m not the only one, not noemal, but not the only one either” . Ordering a Piper T shirt for self as a reward for making it thus far with them without doing any major damage to self, home or pups.

  5. PS Those are typos I can spell…. sometimes

  6. riosmom says:

    I am still laughing – “I’m just going to hide here and watch her get undressed…” The whole post is priceless. Thank you.

  7. I love all of your dogs, but really…my life was meaningless unless Twooie joined your household. He and Wootie together are just so freakin’ hilarious.

    And I feel you on the underwear thing. My own dogs could care less, so I’m always got completely off guard when a foster comes in and starts ruining my unmentionables.

  8. I had a female Doxie that would eat my undies. I never could break her of the habit and I really don’t know what the appeal is…. Maybe I should have beat her with the hamper. :-)

  9. Ok now that I’m done laughing… :O) Maybe you could preemptively dip your delicates (post-wear of course) into something that tastes nasty (vinegar, perhaps?) and put them back in the hamper. Surprise! Next time they taste blech in stead of like…well…whatever…

  10. Not fair, I am laughing so hard I need clean ones.
    GO WOOTWOO!

  11. riosmom says:

    Lori, if the Food Lady did as you suggested we wouldn’t have had this post and that would be a real loss. But we do need a picture of Dexter caught in the act on FL’s bed. I can imagine the expression but I want to SEE it.

  12. What is it about the word “underpants” that makes you want to snort your coffee backwards through your nose? Thank you for another amazing blog post. Can’t live without them.

  13. What a great blog entry!

    Hahaha, the panty eater made me LOL – Ouzo was the same way at that age – and it lasted for almost a year – yeah, good luck ;)))) He also consumed part of some Victoria Secret bras and PJ crotches. He’s only been interested in my underware, never in my husband’s. I called him a perv for a long time. He also had this way of jumping on the bed or couch to be at the same level with me, then put his paws around my shoulders, pull me near him while looking in my eyes. Yeah, talk about freaky pervs :)

    The two brothers continue to amaze me, they totally belong together and their awesomeness is multiplied by many times now that they’ve been brought together by fate. And by the Food Lady.

    Tweed baby, there’s plenty of time to shed those extra kongs, just let your leg get better and then you will go swimming for hours and it will all melt away!

    Piper and her yucky-sticky-stinky-mud-covered bulldog legs made me snort out loud :)

  14. LOL! Hee-lair-e-us! A little advice: lock up the used feminine hygiene products.

  15. I can totally relate to Dexter eating undies, my almost 2 year old Border Collie, Mal, eats bras. At one point I was down to 1 bra for about a week until I could go get some more. Now the hamper is under the bathroom counters where he can’t get to it.

    I love Twoo to death, he must be hard to get along with, but he makes for good comedic relief. Great post!

  16. Dexter, Sir Pantalones Eater. I have a dog like that too. EMBARASSING.

  17. suzanne says:

    try one of those METAL Simple Human trash cans from bed,bath and beyond… you know, the ones where you have to step on a lever for the top to go up. failing that, try bungee cords or put your hamper in a cabinet and put one of those baby-safety-locks on it. :)

  18. The Food Lady says:

    A different kind of hamper might work … putting it in a cupboard is not an option as I moved into the only house in the world with exactly zero closets!!

  19. nickelsmum says:

    Hahahahaha… gasp. Two of my dogs have gone through this in a big way. I think it’s predictable in a boy, especially one with balls… but Cedi had a thing about bras for quite a while. (Well, I guess that’s more girly.) Nano really likes to do the shoulder roll in worn undies. Mmmmmmmmm.

  20. Oh Lord! I’m with the other coffee snorters. Just one thing Food Lady – never mention cheese and underpants in the same sentence…

    : )

    My Samoyed, Yukon used to get into the kitchen trash can. One day I came home from work to find he’d knocked it over (one of those huge metal ones with the foot lever) and unfortunately I’d thrown out some old raw chicken breasts. Ever have to fish raw poultry out of your cushions??? My husband put a lock on the can and we had to lock it religiously as long as Yukon was with us.

  21. Hey FL, Great post! Rusty also liked my bras and underpants and he is a little terrier mix. So it isn’t just a big dog thing. Luckily, he grew out of it without being beaten with the hamper;-)

  22. I have been sick with the flu, in bed, for three days. Your post just made my day. :) Thank you. How do pronounce the Twoo? My friend and I are having a debate about it. I read T-Woo. She reads Twue. (and now WooTwoo is going to have to be explained).

  23. I love your posts! One of my dogs is an underwear fiend and he will go to any length to open the closet door and get a pair. He can also unzipper a suitcase; open a Velcro briefcase and open almost anything EXCEPT the refrigerator. He says he gets lessons from your guys.

  24. funny! and that NOPULL command… yep, use that one, too, on way more occasions than I wanna admit! Then Usually followed up by whining and begging, puhleease don’t pull, i brought treaties! lol

  25. Oh thanks for the belly laugh Food Lady! Perhaps Pervy Dex’s current obsession could be turned into a marketable skill? Like a sniff dog? He could be hired by suspicious women wanting to see if their men are fooling around? He could find EVIDENCE!!

    Great post and yeah, no way Piper would get in my house looking like that!

  26. The Food Lady says:

    “How do pronounce the Twoo? My friend and I are having a debate about it. I read T-Woo. She reads Twue.”

    Neither – it’s TWo, like the number 2 :)

  27. A-ha ha ha! It makes me feel good to know I’m not the only one. My dog has started eating my underwear whenever he can get it since I got pregnant. Creepy. He knows he’s not supposed to, but can’t seem to help himself. Plus he pulls it out of the basket, hides it, and then takes it out when he thinks no one will see him (or when he knows I am too immobile from being beached whale-like to get him).

    Great post.

  28. Ah, Arthur used to eat the crotch out of my underwear, the heels out of my socks, and my backs from my bras when he was a pup. Of course, I knew it was a sign of his undying devotion to me, so I didn’t mind so much. Hey, I needed new stuff anyway. He was just helping. ;)

  29. Oh jeez! This one’s a ripper! Had me snorting for sure. I think the yelling at Tweed line is heelarious!

    And of course WooTWo.

    Makes my two look tame. :-)

  30. Priceless post! Though I had first had to clean my keyboard from spilled milk. ;)

  31. “Heel; Side; With Me; and NO PULL YOU ASSHOLE I SAID NO PULL STOP PULLING STOP IT STOP IT!!” — goodness, that’s exactly what I say when I walk Rowley, my teenaged boy in BC clothing. And he hasn’t done time in a prison crate. I actually bought one of those Easy Walk harness things for him, where the leash hooks on to a ring on the front, over the dog’s chest; he turned himself into a pretzel, had his front legs behind his back legs and his flanks facing forward, and STILL pulled like a cart horse. I gave the harness to a woman whose Brittany actually stops pulling when wearing it.

    I love Twoo … he IS staying, isn’t he? I read recently that you had left him at home when the other dogs went on an outing with you, and I (who have six dogs with varying degrees of mobility and arthritic conditions) have found it easier to do that where at first I could not do it at all. If that is a solution for you and Twoo, I say ‘wonderful’ — he gets to keep a fabulous home and you get to skip the tiresome nonsense of dealing with his “I’m an a-hole” impression in some circumstances. He and Woo are meant to be together, I just feel it!

    Dexter is a pervert, Tweed has my complete sympathy, and Piper — you go, girl! Yay you, getting with the agility thing!

  32. Two words: laundry chute. *giggles*

    I basically have a trap door into the basement…where no dogs go without permsission…it’s made my life soooo much easier! No more chewed pockets, no more stolen undies…it’s lovely.

    *continuing to laugh hysterically at your post*

  33. Jennifer says:

    Two words: “Go Commando?!”

    Alternatively, four words : “Off with his balls………..?!”

  34. The easy-walk harness works great on Gizmo, who did all kinds of contortions to get his gentle leader off – walking on hind legs with both front paws swiping at the nose strap, rubbing his face on the ground, and generally embarrassing me to no end. The easy walk makes walking him a pleasure, and really gives me control if he decides to do his ItopotherdogsandI’mespeciallyanassholewhenonleash bit. The ultimate lazy woman’s training?? tool, that easy walk harness. My shoulders thank me daily.

  35. “Alternatively, four words : ‘Off with his balls………..?!’”

    Maybe, maybe not. My sayed female IG-Chi cross chews the center of the crotch out of any undies I carelessly leave within her reach (namely the floor or bed).

  36. I can just hear Dexter saying…”All Your Underpants Are Belong To Us…!”

    :D

  37. Just discovered your site, from a friend. You are an amazing writer, please don’t stop! Your photography and wit make my day! My dog- Suzy- would NEVER waste time lifting the lid of the hamper! She gets much more entertainment by pulling them out of the side venting holes! So now, I have to make sure I push them to the middle of the pile, in the hamper! Dogs do love their mommy’s, don’t they?!?

  38. My dog, Snickers, is a seven year old sheltie…fixed the day he was old enough, and he has always occasionally had a thing for used underwear. He won’t go through a closed hamper, admittedly, but if it’s out in the open, he’ll snag it. Even my boxers and pj bottoms. -_- So gross to start to pull on a pair of boxers and feel slimy gross dog dribble.

    Also, more on my mom’s side of the world…around certain times of the month -cough-, you have to be very diligent about where the trash is…cause if is low to the floor and within Snickers’ reach? Well…you’ll have a very unfortunate and frightening looking massacre-esque mess to deal with.

  39. I used to dog sit a golden retriever when I was a kid. She had to greet me at the door with something in her mouth. It was usually underwear from the teen aged boys in the house. I would leave it all on the kitchen table for the family when they got home. I always lifted from the waistband – was afraid to find out if they were clean or not.

  40. Melinda says:

    This is truly the funniest blog post EVER! Thanks addressing this “unmentionable” topic and making it so friggin’ hysterical!

  41. This is fabulous! I thought I was the only one! I found out he was eating my underwear two days later in his stool!

  42. Dear F.L.,
    I understand. A few years back we had a string of cruciate ligament tears with our 2 dogs’ hind legs. Long story short our B.C. and G.C./B.C. had FOUR T.P.L.O. surgeries in a 3 year span where their leg bone was sawed to a new angle and a metal plate was added to hold leg in place. The worst was when they both tore their left hind leg ligament around the same time. We had 2 active dogs crated, with 3x 5 minute walks on leash for the first couple weeks. Slowly this increased but it was at least 6 MONTHS before we were allowed to gingerly have them off leash.
    We had to build a ramp on our back stairs and sleep on a mattress on the floor; they were not allowed to jump up or down anything for 3 months and they were use to jumping up to sleep on our bed. We basically had to rearrange our work schedules, race home everyday at lunch in order to be able to give them a 5 minute walk, their arsenal of medicine and physio exercises. In addition, I needed to work a part time job on top of my full time job to pay for these back to back surgeries ($3500 a pop).
    I shudder remembering these time. We dealt with our guilt by feeding them a potluck of treats everyday to curb their boredom and frustration. So, I understand your dog’s weight gain issue too.
    Boy, do I understand. We have been through way to often, but life is good again. It was hell, but now we are mostly back to normal…except we have added a puppy B.C. to our crew since then.
    Everyday I say a prayer our pup will not need a T.P.L.O. like her sisters. But, something tells me she wants to be just like them.
    They are active dogs and, I guess, injuries are sadly part of the course.

    No advice. Just sympathy:) It could ALWAYS be worse.
    Jackie

  43. You’re lucky.

    People pay big bucks for crotchless panties.

    You’re getting them for free !

    Enjoy your Blog.

    Sybil

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