Mad Piper is Mad


What the eff do you mean ‘leave the stick, time to go’??x0005

First you made me swim in the freezing cold water to get the stick.

Then I had to fight off Wootie with Mad Teeth™.



Then I had to drag that sucker, along with waterlogged me, to the shore.

And now you’re telling me ‘leave the stick, it’s time to go’?

Uh oh.  Food Lady, I see dead people again.  This time, I think they’re you.

Today we went to Dogwood Park because I heard it had a swimming hole.  I looked it up on the interwebz first and the park was described as “a bit small.”  I don’t know where the reviewer regularly goes for his dog parks (Paraguay?  The moon?) but it wasn’t small – it was huge!  Lots of places to play Wootie Toy™ and two big ole swimming areas that didn’t smell *too* bad and then some trails for roaming through.  Seemed pretty large to me!

The swimming holes were the big draw for me.  I was just discussing with The Sadist (occasionally It just speaks almost pleasantly, rather than screaming at me and chasing me with a jump pole) how so many dogs running agility are just out of condition, because it’s hard to find time to exercise one’s dogs as thoroughly as one should.  And my dogs have always been in superb condition because we lived on the ocean for 10 years and swam nearly every day.  Since moving out here to the sticks, while I have had a lot of free time (*looks sideways, whistles nonchalantly*) my dogs are not getting the same workout they did when we lived really close to the beach.  I find running them on the earth is not as effective, and we’ve had a lot more injuries this year than we ever have before, probably because there’s more impact to their bodies.

Also, SOME of them are getting a bit fat because SOME of them don’t like to play games on the earth so much.

La la la.

SOME of them are so fat they can hide a whole puppy with their girth.  SOME of them may weigh as much as 33lbs.

If this gives you any indication how fat SOME of them might be – Piper is 17 3/4″ and weighs 29lbs.  Dexter is 18.5″ and weighs 34lbs.  SOME of them are 16.5″ and weigh 33lbs.  Ahem.

Anyway.  I’m always looking for a body of water in which to swim the dogs regularly.  Everyone just loves to swim.  Everyone, that is, except Dexter.

I read somewhere that ironically dogs automatically know how to swim, and seal pups need to be taught to swim.  So clearly, Dexter is a seal.

Because this is NOT swimming:

This is frantic splashing.

Holy shit!  AGH!  AGH!!

Christ on a popsicle, woman, what are trying to do to me?

HAHAHAHA!  I laughed so hard I scared a passing gentleman and his docile little Westie.

Now Mad Dexter is Mad.

He’ll learn, I’m sure.  Especially as the weather warms up, because all that “lying on the ground trying to be invisible” is hard work and it wipes Dexter out.

I have an idea.  Why don’t YOU go swimming?  Come ‘ere, Food Lady ….


  1. Evie Douglas says:

    Truly laughing out loud. At poor Dexter. Please, Food Lady, make him “swim” every day, cuz laughing is good for us.

  2. Did someone get too many of Sporticus’s leftovers??

    LOVE the new site!!

  3. Hahaha – Dexter’s face in the first two splashing photos is hilarious! Desperation is the name of the game :)

  4. NOOOOO!!! Positive Negatory! Dexter’s no baby seal! The lad a baby giraffe I tell you lady!

  5. Oh, Dexter! Your relationship with swimming reminds me of my K9, may he RIP. He never did swim, but he was a great dog. And he enjoyed the splashing in the shallows, and barking and biting at waves. He’s been gone for 13 years now, and your frantic eyes brought back sweet memories. Smile.

  6. myhandle says:

    Cobweb had to be taught to swim. Which mostly consisted of coming up behind her and picking up her hind legs. She got the part where she had to keep paddling her front paws to keep her face up, but she couldn’t figure out how to do the same thing with her rear legs.

  7. Thanks for the belly laugh, Dexter! Oh wait, that is Food Lady I should thank, since she was taking the hilarious photos instead of rescuing you from certain drowning death! Methinks he hugs the ground to save himself….

  8. Funny, Hoot chased after some seagulls that were floating off-shore, and found himself rapidly in water deeper than he is tall. He pretty calmly turned about when I called & swam like a normal dog. He, apparently, got the ocean-dwelling giraffe genes!

    Woo needs to come join the “run around the pond barking” club we have here. But then I’d be stuck with Woo, whose name would be changed to “God-fu*#’n-Hell-get-back-here!”

  9. Yay! It is working again! Thanks!

  10. Piper has mad teeth; Dexter has mad eyes!

  11. nickelsmum says:

    Nano is 16.5″ and 2o lbs. He needs about a half pound more of muscle and a quarter pound more of fat, so call it 21. Now granted… Wootie has about three pounds of hair that Nano sadly lacks, but still.

  12. Absolutely love the new site, even more so with this awesome ROFLOL-post. TFL is really back! :)

    I’ve had to teach my oldest BC how to swim. She didn’t have Dexter’s problem though; she didn’t paddle or anything, just didn’t do sh*t actually, she only sank to the bottom. Strangely enough she wasn’t scared of the water, rather on the contrary. The first couple of months I had to drag her out of the water a on multiple occasions, but still she wouldn’t move a leg once there’s was no soil under her feet. So eventually I went into the water with her, hand under her belly, dumbball in front of her nose just out of her reach. Took her a couple of hours for the idea to sink in (BC’s are smart, or so they say), but now she’s an excellent swimmer!

  13. Those first splashing photos are absolutely hilarious! I’m still laughing at them after reading the rest of the post, reading everyone’s comments and typing my own!

  14. Thanks for starting my day with a smile and a laugh. Gracie loves the ocean but doesn’t swim – she lays down in shallow water and crawls and looks for all the world like a kid pretending to swim. Our wonderful silly dogs. Or is that our wonderfully silly dogs?

  15. OMG!! I LOVE that picture of Dexter with his eyes all wide, showing the whites as he attempts to “swim”. Great Shot!! LOVE LOVE LOVE the new look by the way. I recently also made a bloggy move to WordPress!

  16. Holy cow your dogs are small! i was thinking they were closer to 40. Maybe their personalities shine so big through photos that’s why i think they are larger LOL. i guess they are mini dogs compared to my girl ( 25inches tall about 63lbs now). Love the new site! Keep posting!

  17. Love the eyes in the first Dex swimming photo!

  18. MariantheLibrarian says:

    Your posts always amuse me, but I laughed especially hard at this one! Love the Dexter swimming bit! It reminds me of how Jasper, my American Cocker Spaniel, swims. :D

  19. We love swimming too – and boy is it a necessity down here in Texas in the summer. A wet dog = a happy dog. Hence the ugly baby pool that graces my backyard for half the year.
    I hadn’t thought about swimming as good exercise. I need to get my pups out in the lake (no oceans nearby sadly) more!

  20. Love the Wootube site!
    Got a good laugh this morning with Dex and the swim lesson.

  21. Love the new site! But you’ve never seen frantic misery until you’ve gotten a basenji wet.

  22. It’s been three days since I read this post and I still giggle out loud when I think about the Dexter Swimming (or Convulsions) pics and your captions.

    Keep up the great work, pics–I crave my daily dose of 3W&W

  23. oslosmum says:

    FL: thank you so much for the photo inspiration, the laughs, the crazy swimming outta-control panic eyes (we’ve seen these here, on control-complex anais), the diversion, and all the work you do for herding dawgz who need our help. nubbin wiggles from the “o”.

  24. BeepandMax says:

    For our dogs who aren’t the best swimmers or lack confidence we put a doggy lifevest on them. They are much more willing to swim and swim longer. We love swimming the dogs, but out swimming place runs high and fast in the winter, so only spring and summer swimming for us.

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