Wanna Know How To Photograph A Hamster?

Me too!
It’s frickin’ HARD.
LOL! I iz a blurry black bob and I’m eatin’ your baby cornz.


Seriously difficult.

Now I iz a blurry black blob and I iz eatinyour licorice.

(I am not above bribing the hamster with candy to stay still. So shoot me.)

So how do I photograph the little sucker anyway?

I have a deliciously wicked idea. It begins with you putting him in my mouth. What do you say, old chum?

Are you putting hamsters in our mouths?

I iz a blurry black blob sittin’ on my fat ass eatin’ your broccoliz. And I haz a baby corn tumour in my cheek.


W: Hamster?
P: I suspect she’s f*cking with us.

Tee hee! Photograph me if you can!

I am unimpressed with your executive decision to enact a moratorium on hamster mouthing.

Listen, are we getting hamsters or what?

Hai! I’m a BAD DOG!

For the first time in the history of my pack, we had a bone fight. I think. Something set it off anyway and Tweed unleashed on Mr. Woo and kicked the living shit out of him until he noticed me … and then he ran like his ass was on FIRE. Because he knows who does the shit kicking in this household, dammit! When he starts paying rent, then he can start some shit kicking, but as long as he lives under my roof etc.

I hauled him out from his super secret no-one-will-ever-find-him-in-this-one-level-condo spot under the bed by his stupid stringy tail and we had a wee chat about picking on people smaller than you, and now he is a big bag of submissive suck. But that was scary. We don’t HAVE dog fights in my household.

No worries for Wootie. In addition to being a big jerk, Tweed is also a crappy fighter. For all Woo’s screaming, there was not a scratch on him. Also, he has no attention span, so he immediately forgot what happened.

Wow that was really scary, I feel so – hey! Is that a squirrel?

Anyway … working with dogs for the last 15 years, I have broken up my share of dog fights. I once had a bitch that got into it with my housemate’s bitch and they put like 22 holes in one another in under 15 seconds. But my pack o’mines don’t fight. They make a lot of Mad Teeth ™, and Tweed grabs Mr. Woo by the nose like 8 times a day for no reason, but they never actually fight. They also don’t cuddle or sleep together or generally make physical contact in either positive or negative ways. How about your dogs?

And whoever is responsible for this snow … I’m sending Tweed over to kick the shit out of you too!


Speak Your Mind

*