Coyote Ugly

(That’s the short version.

The long version goes: GODDAMN COYOTE MAKING FOOD LADY MAKE UGLY FACE!  But first)

*waves* Oh hai!  Food Lady has been taking Santa and Bumble photos like a damn fool the past few weeks and didn’t want to pick up a camera or edit any photo ever again for a little while there.  I had the sleep deprivation too, from trying to get the photos all out in a timely fashion.  We did photos for SAINTS and TDBCR and for SARC (where I work) and while the photo sessions themselves are SUPER fun, now every time I see the Bumble suit in the back of my van, I give it the finger.  That probably looks weird in parking lots.

They turned out great though.

Next year I would like to try something a little different, as we’ve been doing to the Christmas-Character+Photoshopped-background thing for several years now.  I’d like to try something “artier” without a character in the shot, with a holiday themed background and some elegant props.

I also have the Winter blahs a little bit – dark when we get up, dark when I get home, forget what my dogs look like in the daylight and boring as f*ck standing in the cold, raining dark throwing the ball for an hour.   Or at least it WAS boring until the resident chicken eating coyote, you know, shot out of the bushes at the back of the lower pasture and tried to eat Ender.

Jesuschristonacracker, did it scare the shit out of both of us.  Damn thing grabbed him by the Hurtta coat and tried to run off with him, but Ender is all long and pointy legs and he can spin ‘em around like a windmill when he needs to (and when he doesn’t need to as well – STOP KICKING ME IN THE FACE ENDER!) and he started yodeling and sproinging around like Kicky The Happy Deer which probably confused the coyote, who likely thought he’d gotten ahold of some carrion (ie a skeleton).

Confused him long enough for Super TWoo to save the day.  The little butterball shot over faster than you would believe, pile drived the coyote in the ribs and proceeded to do his damnedest to kick tens kinds of holy hell out of the yote.


TWooie has been wanting to take down a coyote since the dawn of time and he was so excited.  The coyote dropped Ender and took off, with chubby little Aussies and two VERY amped up terriers in hot pursuit.  The border collies – of course – never took their eyes off the dumbball.  As far as they are concerned, if they can’t retrieve it, it’s none of their business.

The four terrors came back all full of themselves, and TWooie was still super angry, stalking around with his chest puffed out and making these HUFFing sounds.  Ender was fine, just a lot of saliva on his coat (and you mock me for dressing up my little dogs!), and lots of whimpering and yodeling in my arms (where he leapt as soon as he was coyote-free) but we all went inside anyway, cuz I was freaked right out.  It all happened so fast!

So that sucked.

So naturally two days later, it got much worse.  We were out again playing ball, though I was sticking closer to the house than the lower pasture.  I felt reasonably confident the coyote wouldn’t try again, having been run off by the Four Dogs of the Apocalypse.

I was, of course, wrong.

Although I was keeping the littles close by with the magic of a pocket full of cookies, Ender wandered part way down into the lower pasture and then all of a sudden he leapt straight in the air and started yodeling frantically.  The Usual Suspects took off after something I never saw and this time the Littles – Ender included – went after them.  I started screaming for the little dogs, because everyone was disappearing into the scrub at the back for the property and I could only envision never seeing the tiny dogs ever again, and miraculously they all came back … and I was gathering up little dogs like a 10 year old at a pinata party when suddenly I heard Spring screaming and screaming from somewhere in the dark.

I was screaming back like I was screeching for the Olympic Gold; too scared to put down the Littles to crash blindly through the bushes to save her, too far from the house to throw them safely inside and go find my girl.  The most horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, heart sickening, I’m-dying, 2 minutes of my life.

I started running for the house with an armload of small writhing canines, dropping them and scooping them up again like I was looting a store in a riot and fleeing from the riot police, when Spring came crashing into the back of my legs and trying to climb up my body.  We all threw ourselves into the house, most of us crying, and I grabbed my terrier and checked her for all her parts. Which she had, except for some F*CKING HOLES IN HER THROAT!

I think startling Ender was the decoy move by the coyote and he then took off and lay in wait for the other dogs to chase him, and he grabbed her (much more satisfying meal than a skeletor) by the throat.  I don’t know if she fought him off herself, or if her friends helped, but thank doG she got away.  The punctures were not bleeding, but she had blood all over her feet and legs, so I hope she got him good.

To add insult to injury, about three days after that the coyote broke into my hen house and ate all my remaining chickens.  ALL OF THEM.  I am now chicken-less, for the first time in years :(  And no point in getting more, since I really don’t want to feed the bastard coyote.

We’ve been running up and down the dead end road instead of playing ball in the dark, but a massive windstorm on Thursday night blew a couple of giant trees across it, and now we have nowhere to go for exercise.

AND I had my nails done today and she made them pointier than I like them.  EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!

So … yeah.  It’s been that kind of month so far.  We obviously are not playing ball on the property in the dark any more, and I have these camo-clad fellows creeping all over the property with big guns trying to find the asshole coyote and kill them.

(they do not look like this.  Sadly.)

I would like a do-over on December please.

What’s that?  Did I hear something?

A coyote?  Can I eat it?

Are you going to pick me up and start screaming again?


Today I went to Wholesale Sports (way to unleash my inner SHOOT ALL THE THINGS goddess, btw) and bought a bear banger in case I see the bugger again.


Anyone had success scaring off coyotes with one of these?  And not, you know, have the cops called on you?  Or scared the shit out of Dexter?

Bah humbug.  Seriously.


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